Creepshow 4

I've been thinking back to my earlier refusal to do anthology films, and I keep wondering why I am so against it. After all, they've been hits in the past, and they're starting to make a comeback (see the V/H/S movies), and some of King's better stories are his shorter ones.

I have wondered for years why King and George A. Romero never did another Creepshow film after the second one. Yes, there was a third one, but it had nothing to do with King or Romero, and was considered by all to be an utter waste of time. But there's no reason the two masters can't reclaim the title and put it to good use.

There are so many great Stephen King short stories out there, so narrowing them down to just four was kinda hard. But I chose the ones I did because one of the hallmarks of the Creepshow movies is that they focus on stories that aren't as well known (often not even collected) and they tend toward the cheese as much as genuine scares. So, here are the stories I've picked for Creepshow 4, and the lead actor for each I trust you will agree I chose well.

Here There Be Tygers
This fascinating story touches on two basic fears I think we've all had over the years; the fear of being embarrassed by a teacher because she forces you to say the word "bathroom" when you'd prefer to say "basement" and the fear of walking into the bathroom and finding a tiger in there. I can't tell you how many times I've been afraid of that. I mean, we all call the bathroom "the basement", right? It's just ingrained in us at this point. I have two basements in my house. I call the sub-ground room the "pool". Don't you? As for the little boy in the story, I decided to break my rule and cast a preteen actor, but just so I can avoid the trap of the actor aging out of the role in just a couple of years, I cast infant actors Dashiell and Fox Messitt of Fuller House fame, whom I am sure are headed for Olson-Twins style careers in their future.

As for the tiger, I considered first casting the EssoTiger but I haven't seen him around lately and considering he's been in those commercials since I was a kid, there's a possibility that he's dead. So I chose a different tiger as well; one that is known for creepily hanging around with kids as they eat breakfast and encouraging them into dangerous challenges even when they'd rather not participate.

Slade
King's wickedly funny take on the old west story is crying out to be filmed. It isn't scary, but it definitely fits the tone of these movies. Probably the best way to really sell the satirical tone of the story is to cast someone who is the antithesis of an old west hero, so I went with Danny DeVito.

The Blue Air Compressor
I would genuinely love to see this film go full meta, including this story of a man so grossed out by a fat woman that he blows her up with an air compressor. The beauty of this story is that King stops in the middle to introduce himself and talk about the sexual nature of his hero's crime. King would, naturally, play himself, and I think Melissa McCarthy could play the fat old lady. She wouldn't even need a latex suit.

Finally, no good Creepshow film doesn't have a solid framing device. In this case, I think we could open on a sunny, peaceful neighborhood with a cheerful-looking milk truck making its rounds, driving from house to house as each story gets told. Of course, this is no ordinary milk truck. This is the vehicle of the dreaded MILK MAN, the diabolical Spike Milligan himself! And he would be played by...Scott "Carrot Top" Thompson. I mean, come on, is there a creepier guy around?

So, King, Romero, you've seen the potential for a fourth movie, I say get on it.

And with that, I wish you all a fine, happy April the First.